Each week during the Rekindled Challenge, we are asking members of Faith Fellowship to share a memory, thought, or something God has taught them through their marriage. Check out Jackie’s story.

This August Brian and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.  I know what you’ re thinking:  “How can that be?  They look so young!”  OK, maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, and you’re wondering what’s the secret to lasting so long?  I suppose I could give lots of tips and advice, but I won’t because I’m still learning.  However, here’s a question that I need to ask of myself more often and one that could be useful for you:  Am I more of a thermometer or a thermostat?

Both are important instruments, but here’s the difference:  a thermometer only reacts to the temperature of the environment and has no control over it; a thermostat, on the other hand, notices the temperature and moves to change the temperature, usually to make things more comfortable.

There are many times I was and am more interested in being a thermometer.  If I was unhappy, then I wanted Brian and other family members to know I was unhappy.  Slamming doors, banging things, and generally wearing a sour face – how could they not know?   But here’s the thing:  it’s so much easier being a thermometer because it doesn't have to do anything.  Therefore, out of fear, laziness or lack of motivation, other family members become thermometers. The spouse and kids start avoiding being around you, pretend not to notice something’s wrong, or stay busy so they won’t get in trouble.  When you have a house full of thermometers, things can remain extremely cold or extremely hot.

It takes work, courage and vulnerability to be a thermostat because it means:

• Being attentive to rather than ignoring the temperature,

• Finding an appropriate setting to create a healthier environment,  

• Monitoring the temperature and making adjustments. 

On the other hand, it doesn’t take a big thing to change the temperature.  I remember decades ago, I was angry at Brian and couldn’t sleep.  If I couldn’t sleep, then I wanted to make sure he couldn’t either.  I turned the volume up on my radio.  Rather than ignoring that, Brian turned on his radio.  I was indignant so I turned the volume higher on mine so he turned his up too.  This probably went on 2-3 turns of the knob and all of a sudden we both started laughing.  We both gave up reacting to the tension to find our sense of humor to turn down the heat.  I have no idea what the argument was about but we were both able to get a good night’s sleep!

One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 25:11:  A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”  An effective thermostat can change the temperature by just one word spoken in the right way at the right time and it has as much value as gold and silver.  The same is true with one gesture – an outstretched hand, leaning closer to listen carefully, a nod of assurance, etc.  So if you’re still looking for advice, here it is:  Strive to be the thermostat, not the thermometer.